It has been 28 days since my sweet, wonderful and amazingly talented daughter, slipped into a coma following removal of a rare and cancerous tumor from her brain stem.
I haven’t heard her voice or seen her smile or any of the things we parents sometimes take for granted, that our children do regularly, without so much as a pause in our often absurdly “busy” day, for almost a month. Maybe we don’t make note of those smiles because we can’t imagine a time when we wouldn’t get to see them. Too many smiles to file away, how would you remember what to get for dinner if you had to pause every time your child laughed and then close your eyes and soak in every note of their symphony of joy, so you’d remember it perfectly how it was performed.
I have hours of video of my Ella V (that’s what I call her, in addition to a dozen other clever and loving nicknames, like “littles” and “smalls” and “L” and “The V” and of course “my love”) laughing and singing and smiling, I could go watch them right now. But I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the sight of my only child, my daughter, putting on performances in front of the camera, while I grinned behind the lens in awe at how amazing it is that I made this wonderful little creature, and now she’s singing songs from The Little Mermaid (not completely in tune, mind you, but boy that doesn’t matter).
I might get a minute in to one of those videos and then I’d break down in tears, like I have been doing for a month now. It would hit with the full force of two planets colliding, right into my heart, that my daughter is only alive right now because of the machine that is helping her breath. That her hair doesn’t fall annoyingly over her eyes anymore, forcing her to gracefully drape it over her tiny hand and whip it over her shoulder, every 30 seconds, because it was all shaved away so that skilled brain surgeons could remove the cancer growing on her brain stem.
I am grateful beyond description to those doctors. I am grateful that I still get to hold my daughters hand, even though it’s not while we walk through the park or through a store, but instead while I stand beside her hospital bed as she lay motionless. I am grateful to the hundreds of people who have donated to us so we can stay in a hotel close to the hospital and can afford food and gas. I am grateful to all the kind words that have lifted me up when I didn’t think I’d ever have a hopeful thought again.
I am grateful, but I am weary, and I am ready for this nightmare to be over. I am ready to talk with Ella again, hear her laugh, watch her eat, listen to her snore and grind her teeth, pick her up when she falls off her bike, explain to her why the ferrets won’t ever stop hiding her shoes under the bed, hold her close and breath in deep her sweaty sweet scent.
I am ready to be a father again.
I’m not good at anything else.
I am very sad and I still have my P.E. teacher and the class aide praying for Ella.
I worked on the talent show last year at live oak. I was instantly struck by the wisdom and innocence of your beautiful Ella. Her song and performance made a lasting impression on many of us. She has been in my prayers and the prayers of my husband as well. Bless you and your family at this very diffcult time.
Still praying and sending love your way.
Glen, This is the most touching thing I’ve read. You and your family are in my prayers.
-Michael Bean
Dear Glen and Deborah,
The neighbors on Peaks Pike held its first block party tonight where Jason told us of your tragedy. Since you are new to the neighborhood, we missed meeting you; we missed meeting Ella. All our hearts went out for you. We hope you all come home soon, so we can really celebrate.
Hoping 4 Ella and you.
Rick and CJ
Wanting you to know that though we haven’t met yet, our whole family is thinking of you each day, sending prayers and hope your way for Ella’s recovery as well as praying for you both as parents going through such a tremendously hard time. That you’ve shared your experience feels so meaningful, it allows others to hold what you’re going through closer to their hearts, so I thank you for that.
I cam upon your page through a friend, BJ…..Your daughter’s spirit is simply amazing. My 2 children and I watched her video today and were all smiling.
She is in my prayers and you now have another entire Sonoma County family thinking of you and sending you love and healing…….
Jenn
I only met Ella once and remember her joy of life. I know her McKeon grandparents well and know the pain they are enduring. I empathize with all of the family and think of you daily. I await news of recovery and look forward to seeing her smile and joy again soon.
Loretta O’Connell (and Harry Adams)
Glen, Your love for your remarkable girl is so compelling, so touching~it puts everything into perspective. On behalf of my extended family we are deeply sorry for Ella’s cancer, that you cannot hear her voice right now & for the heartbreak & weariness you, Aly & your families are burdened with. We are praying with hearts filled with hope for Ella’s complete recovery but in the meantime our hearts are breaking for you all.
Dear Glen and all of Ella’s family, i wish there was something good to say, but I am speech less. All I know is that you share so beautifully and I can only imagine, and yet, I am aware of how me as a mom to a little girl too, cannot come near or even want to come near, feeling how you feel. I do not pray ( even though I do not judge others for doing that as I know it helps many while dealing with life) however, I do not believe in a God or the image of a man sitting up on a cloud somewhere deciding if a person will do whatever we are destined to do ( which seems odd to me too) up and when, however I have my own ways that I hope will help Ella. I will see if I can at least find some ways to donate some more to you. I am deeply saddened and touched Glen, I want you to know that. If there was a way to send you some peace and some blessings in this email, then I hope it comes your way. I will do what I can.
I love you Glen. You are the BEST DAD EVER! I mean it. I tell that to everyone. By the way, you are good at a lot of things, it’s just hard to measure all of those other things in relation to your Mega-Dad status. Love you. Love you Ella.
My brother is Jason Michael and he has been keeping us posted about Ella. We pray for her and your family, as your pain is unimaginable. Please know that you will remain in our thoughts….
Wow. I am crying right now. That was sincerely the most moving thing I have ever read. Oh sweet little Ella, we all need you to wake up…
That is such a wonderful post it brought tears to my eyes. We continue to pray and send happy thoughts your way everyday..
Glen, Your words are beautiful and excruciating. I join you in deepest prayers that Ella will be singing and laughing again in her symphony of joy. Sending love, courage, and strength to all of you – Alysson